As parents whenever we are in a stressful situation or we are unsure of what to do, there are landmarks to guide us. The best way to gain perspective is from a distance. You gain perspective by asking yourself what is the development goal at your child’s age. Developmental milestone are a set of functional skills or age-specific tasks that most children can do within a certain age range.
When we view the situation from a larger framework, it is easier to recognize that as children develop, it is appropriate for them to want increasing autonomy and to come to you with a variety of requests. You are less likely to feel pressured by requests when you have evaluated and determined that the requests are age appropriate based on current time measures, not last century’s measures. Sometimes you may find yourself falling back into what limits you had as a child. However, times have changed and it is imperative that you stay in the present to relate to your children who never lived in the “olden ages”.
Increasing Autonomy Comes with Increased Responsibility and Accountability
The step that is often overlooked by children is that with increasing autonomy comes increased responsibility and accountability. Increasing levels of autonomy are not something you as a parentgive away. If your child is not talking about what they want in a calm manner or if rather than a request, what they are requesting is presented as a demand, stop immediately.
Explain when they are calm and ready to present their request, listen and address the pros and cons you will be happy to set aside time to talk. Setting a time is important because that is how real life works. Highly emotional demanding does not work in the real world so it is important that your child start learning effective problem solving strategies from a very young age (See Fresh Start Problem Solving Strategies for more information).
Thinking Prior to Presenting Issues
Teach your child to come to the discussion having thought through 3 reasons why you might say yes and 3 reasons you might say no. (Fewer and simpler reasons for younger children) Explain that the better presentation they make, with strong reasons on both sides of an issue, the better you will know how maturely they are thinking. Be clear with your children that their ability to reason problems or challenges through, is a strong factor in considering their request. Let them know their listening skills and ability to address your concerns calmly and reasonably along with their ability to consider and develop alternative solutions will also impact your decisions.
Measures Of Solution Effectiveness Are Essential
Be sure to end your discussion with how you will evaluate the effectiveness of the solution, how well it worked. Ask them before they apply the solution what they think would be a good way to know if the solution was effective.
Ex: Are all responsibilities like getting themselves up for school, chores, homework etc. being met on time and up to an acceptable standardwithout reminders
After the solution has been implemented be sure to ask your children how they think the solution worked. After listening to their evaluation, you let them know if the solution worked from your perspective. If it doesn’t work, no judgment should be made. Instead based on the Fresh Start step five of One Step Ahead Parenting you state, “OK we learned from trying this.
Emphasize what your child did well and identify what was not acceptable to you. If by your evaluation the solution did not work as well as you had discussed, let your child know that “for today you are not quite ready for the privilege”. Immediately follow up with “No problem, we can try again in 7 days or up to 30 days.” No negotiation, you try again in a specific number of days if your child wants to revisit the issue.
Lessons To Be Learned
You will be teaching your child effective problem solving skills. Good communication requires thinking ahead. I the big world when we submit a proposal, we need to be prepared for what the objections may be. I recommend having a structure so that your child knows what goes into the discussion. You are teaching the power of listening and the importance of considering solutions that work for everyone involved. It is important for you to teach your children that to be considered successful solutions must work for everyone.
You may have to give examples. If you had a favorite toy and your best friend was visiting and wanted to play with your toy, one solution would be to have him play with it first. If your friend doesn’t want to stop to give you a turn and continues to play with your favorite toy the whole time, you probably would not be happy with the solution. You might not even want to bring that toy out the next time you play together.
However, if you agreed that in 10 minutes you get to play for 10 minutes then you both can be happy with the solution because you both had some time playing with the new toy. Teaching your children that solutions need to work for everyone involved, not just one person helps prepare your child to problem solve throughout life. Templates for processing difficult situations or decisions provide immediate life skill tools that will enhance your child’s coping skills. Without tools your children are limited in their ability to act decisively and effectively.
Your children will benefit from learning how to present themselves in a balanced way, how to listen effectively, how to compromise, and the art of sacrifice in order to achieve an effective, mutually agreeable solution.
Your child also learns about accountability. You don’t judge, you are consistent and apply the natural consequence. If it is a bedtime negotiation and your child is too tired to get up in the morning or the chores aren’t getting done, they demonstrate they are not ready for the privilege. No criticism, no guilt, no bringing the situation back up in the future. Instead, your children learn from the natural consequences that result when they were not yet able to follow through. Of key importance is that kids are constantly growing and developing and you believe in them. They understand your belief in them when they get a fresh start to demonstrate that they can handle situations better next time.
