Listening is step 3 of my 5 step program. So let’s review step 1 is connect, and step 2 is calm, balance mindset. So before you listen to complaints or requests you must remind yourself of your goal, stay connected and you must start from a calm balanced mindset. Otherwise things will quickly escalate and no active listening or problem solving is likely to occur. It is important to step back from your immediate situation and think about the larger picture of child development.
Stepping Back From Your Immediate Situation
Stepping back requires a moment to review my parenting plan. One way to give yourself time when you have a teen who is pressuring and is in what seems like demand mode, is to repeat the request. At the same time you want to set some parameters for the discussion. You might say,
“Let me see if I have this right, you are asking if you can meet up with your friends to go swimming in a few minutes, is that right?” You want confirmation that you understand the request correctly.
“Tell me what factors you can think of that would be good to consider in making this decision.”
The Teen Who Gets Pushy
If you get an excited response, “Just tell me, if I can go”, you need to calm and slow the process down. You also need to clearly present your expectations.
“I am happy to consider your request but for that to happen we need to calmly think and talk through your request. Now you have identified this is something they are requesting and you need to consider some things in order to come to a decision. Your teen can chose to go through the discussion or not, that is their choice. However, your answer is linked to the discussion. Your teen may march off in frustration and come back when they are calmer. If this happens remember that it is good that your teen takes time to calm down and think things through, they don’t have to be happy about the delay.
Teens are often impatient and their friends are waiting for an answer. Their friends will learn that it takes some time and your child will learn to put the phone away while you have your discussion. You may have to say, “It is very distracting for me to have your phone going off while we are talking. When you are ready to turn the phone off, let me know and we can talk.” No judgment, no attitude, just clear boundaries and limitations which is step 4.
Listening Takes Focusing on the First Four Steps
Stay focused on your goal of staying connected. Next remember you have to be in a calm and balanced mindset. Third is listening. Step four can be found under Boundaries and Limitations. To learn more about Boundaries and Limitations click on that category to read more articles.
