Should I bite my lip and put up with the mess or….

Often parents find their child’s trashed room to be the epitome of total disrespect and defiance.  So what are parents to do?  Bella joined the forum and talks about her 17 year old step daughter and her ” Very, very untidy room..”  For well organized parents this can be painful.

As hard as it is to imagine, this is an important parenting opportunity.  Consider this, there is so much beyond making a decision to either close the door or to enter into battle with your teen.  Let me show you how it would work with my 5-Step System.

Step 1.  Connect (instead of disconnecting and closing the door or going into battle)

Parents are often in situations where they feel themselves disconnecting because they are hurt, angry, or frustrated with their children’s behaviors.  Everything you do using my system starts out with maintaining your connection and avoiding actions, including silence or resentments that disconnect.

• Connect by telling her that you feel the two of you have a wonderful relationship and that you value and appreciate her.
• Explain that you have made a mistake.
• Pause there so she can take this in.

Step 2.  Calm Balanced Energy (instead of ranting and raving because you know you are right)

Emotions are contagious.  If you are calm and relaxed, your stepdaughter is likely to be calm.  If you are hyper-excited and frustrated, she is likely to become hyper-excited and frustrated.

• She is not in trouble, she is listening to you talk about your mistake.
• Be calm and clear that your mistake was not talking with her about your distress.   While she may not like the discussion, your focus is on your mistake, not her.  She is not on the spot having to defend her position.  Therefore, she is less likely to counter attack with anger.
• Explain that you have a bit of a QUIRK and that unless everything is tidy and organized you feel anxious and upset as if a TORNADO has RIPPED THROUGH your home.  Teens like it when you can laugh at yourself and they get to jump on board.  Keep this light.
• Explain that by not talking to her you made yourself miserable and then very upset when you were cleaning up after her on your vacation.
• Explain that when the house is messy, you start telling yourself things you know are not true. You start thinking…no one cares about me, I am just a house cleaner, and I am not valued or appreciated.

Step 3.  Listen (instead of telling your child how it is going to be …because you are still right)

Once you share, it is time to listen.

• Ask her what it is like to hear what a mess you have made of things for yourself by not talking with her.  Here is where you find out if she is feeling criticized.
• If she says she is feeling criticized, listen but then be sure to correct this impression right away.  Let her know it is your mistake, you did not tell her what you expected from her in part because it is your quirk and because sometimes you forget that other people do not think or feel the same way you do.
• Listen some more to what she thinks and feels about the situation.  She might even suggest a solution here.
• Wait. Let her generate her ideas and share her feelings, do not follow her to solution yet.
• Repeat back what you heard her saying so she knows you are listening to her, not just talking at her.

Step 4.  Limits (instead of grounding them until they are 32…try this)

• Tell her you do not want to be upset with her, that you love her.
• Be clear with your limit that something has to change.
• Ask her what solutions she can see that would allow both of you to enjoy your time together at your vacation home.

Most parents want immediate solutions.  This makes kids and teens feel cornered.  When pressed for immediate solutions, teens tend to strike out.  If she gets upset, do not press her.  In a relaxed manner just let her take time to think and come back to the discussion later so you can come to a good solution together.   Be sure to do the follow up.

• If your stepdaughter decides, an untidy room is where she draws a line in the sand for her independence, which is ok. Let her do that.
• Allow her freedom of choice.  This is a forced choice between solutions that are acceptable to both of you.  Calmly and reassuringly, let her know that her freedom to have a messy room is very important to her at this time.  You can understand because a tidy house is very important to you at this time.

Therefore, while you would like to have her join you at your vacation home, you will respect her right to chose not to visit so that she can be at her home in the comfort of her untidy room.  At the same time, you will say that she is welcome whenever she feels she is not giving up too much of her freedom to be with you at your vacation home where everyone keeps the entire home tidy.

Step 5.  Fresh Start (instead of “I told you so”)

This step can challenge many parents. Whatever her decision and feelings, once made explicit there are:

• No hard feelings, no anger or resentment, just two people honoring each other’s independent right to be in the environment that makes them most comfortable.
• If she agrees to keep the house tidy, then no looking back.
• If she “forgets”, calmly remind her of the solution she came to during your discussion.
• If there is attitude, say “Maybe you made a bigger commitment than you really wanted to so we may have to rethink the solution.”
• You do not want to nag so any hint of that needs to be “nipped in the bud”.

Remember maintaining the connection is your number one priority so you can have influence