Parents Are Not 100% Responsible For Children’s Moral Development

Parents feel responsible for instilling values and morals in their children.  Yet, Harvard University infant cognition studies reveal how children are not empty containers to be filled.  Quite to the contrary, we now know that children already come pre-wired with their own basic moral systems.  This knowledge may throw a wrench in your ideas about instilling values in your child.

PARENTS DO HAVE RESPONSIBILITY BUT IT MAY LOOK DIFFERENT THAN YOU WERE THINKING

While your interactions with your child are very important, there is a growing body of knowledge that confirms that children possess a basic ability to distinguish between right and wrong by six months of age.  In well designed studies conducted at the Harvard University infant cognition center, researchers had children watch puppet shows of geometric shapes with faces.

In one situation a red ball trying to go up a ramp was helped by a yellow square who gently nudged the ball up the ramp.  Another character, a green triangle got in front of it and pushed it down.

What they found was that children as young as 6 to 10 months of age were consistently drawn to helper characters as opposed to obstructer characters when they were presented on a tray.

After identifying the “naughty” puppet a one year old boy went beyond this to actually lean over and smack the puppet in the head.  Morality is often closely related to notions of reward and punishment.  This one year old had no difficulty deciding to hand out his own version of punishment.

PERSUASION DOESN’T WORK

Persuasion is not going to work because it creates resistance.  Resistance is a natural outcome of a child not accepting what they feel, or believe is in conflict with their basic moral sense.  So while parents would be delighted that their child still knew unprovoked hitting was wrong when another adult said it was OK, we are not delighted when our children disagree with morals we highly value.

Attempting to persuade children that our values are correct is understandably not going to have the positive influence we desire.  In fact if we push too hard in our attempt to persuade we may encounter all types of resistance.

• Your child may quietly go along but internally disagree and disconnect
• Your child may argue and escalate in attempting to express their opinion
• Your child may lock down and become resistant and not hear anything your say
• Your child may glaze over and watch your lips move as they tune you out

THE KEY TO HAVING INFLUENCE ON YOUR CHILD’S MORALS IS TO STAY CONNECTED

You can have influence but you will not be able to persuade.  Having influence means developing great skills in asking non judgmental questions.  Questions help your child develop great critical thinking skills and problem solving strategies.

LUNCH BOX 101

Imagine that your child comes home with a lunch box they found at school.  You may want to either:

• Direct them to return the lunchbox to the office
• Persuade them to return the lunchbox to the office

Since you know persuasion doesn’t work in the long run, you decide to ask questions and help your child to find his or her own decision.  As difficult as it might be to restrain yourself, try to identify what your child is likely experiencing.  You recognize that there was a STRONG ATTRACTION OR PULL TO THE OBJECT.

• “Wow, what a pretty lunchbox”
• “This lunchbox has one of your favorite characters on it, I can see you might really like to have this lunchbox as your own.”

These non-judgmental comments from you, invite your child to DISCUSS THE ATTRACTION.  This allows your child to identify their feelings of desire and selfishness.

• “I wonder what the child who lost their lunchbox likes about it?”

This question allows your child to empathize with the other child.  Your child may answer, “Not so good, I would be sad or mad if I lost it.”  Now you might ask “What do you think your should do about the lunchbox?”  Most children will choose to return the lunchbox to the office on their own.

Questions without judgment or persuasion let your child feeling good about their own decision.

CHEATING

Imagine your older child who is writing test question answers on the inside of a belt, or in notes on their phone, or on their arm under a loose sleeve.  Start as you did in the lunchbox example with a comment on what you think your child is thinking.

• “Wow, there are so many tests lately, it must be a big struggle to remember everything
• “What do you like about having answers written all over for yourself?”

Perhaps your child responds, “It is a fun reminder and I always have it with me.”  Restrain yourself from judging.  You are just opening up a discussion with questions.  This is what I call the TOUCH AND GO approach of asking questions over time, not all in one sitting and letting them go, no dwelling, no interrogation, negativity or reacting to the responses.

• “Wow it sure would be tempting to take a quick look during a test”
• “I wonder if it is possible to take a look without being noticed.”
• “What do you think students who decide to cheat tell themselves to make it OK?”
• ‘Do you think students are more tempted to cheat today that in the past?”
• “Do you think there are any long term unintended problems with cheating a little bit here and there?”
• “Do you think there is any connection with students entering college with high GPAs and still having to take remedial courses at college before they can enroll in college level classes?

ANSWERS DISCOVERED BECOME LIVING MORALS

Most parents have experienced the difference between being told something and the excitement of discovering something ourselves.  If you are connected and asking questions you will be able to have the positive influence you desire.  Yet, ultimately your child will be making choices.  They come into the world with basic morals and as they grow may adopt moral values that differ from yours.  Give them the tools to keep growing and they will.