Toddlers Do They Need Traffic Cops?

Limits

Most parents react to their independent toddlers with limits.  Things may dissolve into an exhausting barrage of “No, Don’t Touch, Stop, Stop Hitting etc.”  Imagine that your child has the ability to stop him(her) self even at 18 months.

Yes, developmentally the challenge is to recognize they are separate from you, thus toddlers expressed feelings through “no, mine” language.  However….let’s see how the self regulation works in toddlers.

What is it really like?

If you have a toddler you may long for bedtime when your child is finally settled and calm, attentive and connected, listening totally absorbed as you read a bedtime story.  For you it may seem like you have become a traffic cop during the day.  It may seem that your toddler requires you to constantly direct his or her every move.

Well, I don’t mean to shock you … but not only is your toddler able to have his or her own traffic light, but your job is to shift from limit maker/enforcer to possibility maker.  When you are the possibility maker your toddler takes on the role of self-regulation.   Think of it this way, “when we finish this we get to chose what to do next”.

But Sandra, come on!  If toddlers were older they could understand but they need limits more than anything now.

Toddlers Need Limits

Sure, toddlers need limits.  But in working with scores of parents just like you I have found, by following a few simple guidelines, you can help your child self-regulate.  When your child self-regulates you can experience more success than you ever imagined!

Mindset

Your mindset is what allows you to achieve amazing success.  Follow what you learn  with the 5 steps of Connect, Calm, Listen, Limits, Fresh-Start and you will stay one step ahead of your child with a system that works with all ages.

Belief and Attitude

• Believe in your child and his or her ability to regulate their own emotions
• Teach that feelings come and go (use yourself as a simple example of a wish that did not work/I found another way) Make your story exciting
• Harnessing feelings is a huge strength and your child loves recognition
• Identify the difference between want and need (provide dream board/a place where pictures of wants and dreams go to begin the planning process

Teach Your child Stop and Go Games

• Bottoms on the chair after a brief race to the chair
• Music stops, we sit
• We draw as fast as we can/ Make your hand stop/Hold your hand still
• Wiggle/Slow/Stop

Signal with a card held high, red light, yellow light, green light along with using words.  Soon you will be asking your child to tell you what color light for different activities/behaviors.

Feelings Come and Go

• They don’t stick around
• Say hello to frustration (you may personalize the emotion with Mr. Frustration) and have a short talk
• Ask where did the sharing feeling go/then go search for it (set up a feeling basket where all the different feelings can be found)
• Ask where did the giving feeling go/then go search for it

It is OK for feelings to come and go.  That is the way life works.  You want your child to be adaptable and find it easy to stop and go.

Exercises For Releasing Feelings

Sad/Mad-

• Greet the feeling
• Stomping is good for anger
• Drawing / tearing up and making pieces into a beautiful high contrast picture also works as a safe way to express anger
• Jumping on or hitting pillows

Feelings come and go, they change and we can change them by how we think and what we do

• I said hello to my sad and mad feelings
• I stomped or shook it out, giggled or used special colors for a picture
• I said thank you for being here today and moved on because feelings come and go:  I changed my angry picture by adding excited and happy (note we don’t try to eliminate or get rid of the anger, we transform the feeling by adding another

Skill building like this only takes a little time and consistency.  It becomes a fun game you play.  Model practicing with your feelings and your child will imitate you.  Remember your goal is to turn the signal light over to your toddler.  Toddlers are amazing, just ask them and they will tell you which light the signal is on and where it needs to be.

Letting Go Of the traffic Cop Role

Look – I am all for limits.  Toddlers need limits!  But I also know – from hard experience – if you simply ignore the pitfalls of being a traffic cop, you will only be inviting more of the battles and meltdowns that you want your limits to prevent.

By taking just a few moments and considering the unthinkable, that your toddler can regulate their emotions, you will be able to open yourself to  confidently and resourcefully teach self regulation and respond positively to obstacles that  come your way.